About numbers...

This is one of those cathartic posts that hopefully will also help someone else. I've previously mentioned my struggle with anxiety and depression. It's one I've never shied away from because it's part of who I am. I've always been an anxious person and when I was diagnosed with Lupus at 14 I lost almost all control over my day to day life. I was at the mercy of my body. When you lose control in big ways, you look for ways to take it back. Sometimes they're healthy, sometimes they're not, and sometimes it's somewhere in between. I tend to fall in that in between category. I've struggled with a relationship with food and healthy sleep habits. I've struggled with being a shopaholic- after all, what gives you more power than filling your wardrobe up to look good?! And despite my best efforts, I've continued to struggle with Obsessive Preoccupation with Numbers throughout this fitness journey. This is something I've been processing and working with awhile and Jon has helped me process as well. The ultimate goal is to be healthy and strong, mentally and physically. Unfortunately, worrying too much about fitness numbers: calories eaten, calories burned, what the scale says, weights you're lifting, your PACE... well, it leads to an unhealthy preoccupation.

You see, just Monday I ran a PR of 10:06 on a mile. I sounded like a wheezing dirvish (harry potter pun ftw!) when I was done, but I was super proud. However, do you know how many times I checked my watch to monitor my pace? TOO. MANY. Do you know how dead I was after 3 miles? TOO. DEAD. While I am still proud of that pace, and that PR, I'm not proud that I became obsessed with hitting it and I didn't hit it with the healthiest mindset. Several times this summer, I over trained because I worried too much about the calories I was burning. I didn't attend to my calorie deficit or any of the other important healthy considerations. I was obsessed with burning the most calories possible.

After feeling like death warmed over on this run, I processed it, discussed it, and made a goal. My personal goal is to look at distance not speed. Look at strength, not the scale. Look at how I feel and how my body feels, not the calories burned. Today, I took that mindset to the pavement, literally. I ran 4 miles. I ran those miles with a 12 min/mi average (ish). I didn't completely die. The heat was brutal. But my lungs felt good and I had a great workout I'm proud of.

So where is this whole hot mess of a brain dump going? The point is: pay attention to your body, your strength, your gains, and your mind set. Make healthy choices and don't get caught up in the number game. This is a work in progress for me and one I'm intentionally setting my mind to (it's even in my Evo planner! but more on that later..). Focus on what you're doing and how amazing it is. Your body is a machine- listen to it and follow it more than any number of any kind!